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Where Have I Been??

Where have I been?  When my dear friend, Kia, sent me the message: “Dood, where’d you go?” I started to wonder myself where the last two weeks have gone, and I’ll have to admit, the wondering stumped me in a frightening way.

So tonight, while my husband has gone cougar hunting (for the real animals, people) with friends for the weekend, I am feeding my children popcorn and donuts, and allowing them to watch 102 Dalmations (mild violence) while I try to catch up.  (Thank you KinniKinnick for your awesome GF/CF cinnamon sugar donuts!)

(Yes, I did say cougar hunting.  Apparently cougars can be quite a menace, although H has never killed another living thing since, as a young boy, he shot a bird with a bow and arrow crafted out of a windshield wiper blade.  I feel confident regarding the cougar population’s longevity.)

So I decided to run through my calendar and pictures for the past two weeks and see what all I actually did accomplish.  Here’s the short list:

1.  Help Edward prepare for City-Wide Home School Spelling Bee, which included words like “suet” and “concentric,” while simultaneously adjusting to a new developmental psychologist.  “What are you drawing, Edward?” she asks as he draws circles encircled by circles, endlessly.  “Oh, those are concentric circles…you know c-o-n-c-e-n-t-r-i-c…Sort of reminds me of the little poem, ‘A Thief in the Night, t-h-i-e-f!’   “Yes, well…I…”  She looks at me, puzzled.  “Why is he spelling everything?” she whispers, scribbling furiously on her notepad.  (Glory be, she’s found yet another diagnosis!)  “Oh, he’s just preparing for a big spelling bee,” I encouraged.  He then regaled her with a long discussion of Cuba and communism followed by questions about positive and negative cognition.  “There’s just so much dyssynchronous development going on here…such an amazing cognitive ability while the social…”  “Yes!  Dyssynchrony!”  Edward chortles!  “I can’t spell it but I know it means ‘uneven’!”

2.  Teach children how to use a napkin properly.

Did I mention we have a new puppy?


3.  Celebrate Joseph’s 9-year-old birthday with a trip to Olive Garden.  (Remember, it’s a chain-obsessed town.)


Did you know new puppies don’t sleep well at night?  And if they sleep in your child’s bed, they will relieve themselves at the corner of the bedspread?

4.  Receive training in how to administer growth hormone shots to Edward.  Give growth hormone shots to Edward.  Every. Single. Night. Possibly. For. The. Next. Ten. Years.

Were you aware that new puppies get sick when fed too many raisins and popcorn?  Not to mention the gas that particular combination creates in the newborn canine digestive system…

5.  Attend Sue’s “Muffins with Mom” celebration at her preschool while darting out every three minutes to check on the other two boys who are found, red-faced and sweating, pummeling each other with pillows in the youth room while five calm, homeschooled girls watch Little House on the Prairie videos.

Have I mentioned that we have a new puppy and she’s learned how to bark.  Really, really loudly?


6.  Spend one day at a City-Wide Homeschool Spelling Bee followed by carpooling followed by borrowing every electronic hand-held game known to man in preparation for nine-year-old having two spots removed at a local dermatologist known for two-hour waits.  Sit with 3, 7 and 9-year-old in a waiting room while a TV monitor drones endlessly about the latest psoriasis treatments…field endless psoriasis questions:  “Do you have psoriasis?  Did I ever had psoriasis?  Do you think that lady has psoriasis?  Look how gross the psoriasis looks on that TV screen!  Are those things scabs?  Will that Humira help?  What does that girl have?  Do you think she has eczema?  Doesn’t she look like a babysitter we had once?  I know I had eczema and so did Joseph!  Did we take Humira?”

The questions are wearing me down: “Why can’t you play with that hand-held Star Wars thing?  Isn’t that why we borrowed it?  Why aren’t you playing it?”

“It’s out of batteries. I think it needs to be recharged.  Did you borrow the charger?  You know it comes with a charger.”

I rifle through the bag.  “There’s no charger!  Just watch the psoriasis show until they call our name!”

“Do you think I will ever get psoriasis?  Why is the ‘p’ silent in psoriasis?  Is it a Latin word?  What’s your favorite Latin word?  Do you have to know a lot of Latin to be a dermatologist?”

Did I mention we have a new puppy?  (Yes, she is peeing.)


Gone cougar hunting.  Check ya later!

Posted on 16 January '09 by , under Accidental Homeschooling, Autism Spectrum/Sensory Processing. 15 Comments.

Six Unspectacular Quirks

My dear new friend, Tara, at Tara’s View of the World, tagged me for this fun meme!  And it’s a good thing, too, because I am so exhausted from my first day of homeschooling that all I can do is sit and stare into my dining room, murmuring incoherently, as I gaze at at the two laundry baskets full of unfolded, wrinkled laundry topped with a Twister game and dirty football pads.

Embrace the Rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks you possess.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

1. Self-Styled Restaurant Critic: I am a fearless critic for my tired, chain-restaurant-obsessed Southern town.  I actually dream of starting a restaurant review web site or publication for this sad sister of a town.  To that end, I take pictures of food and restaurant interiors in the event that one day, my dream comes to fruition.

Here is an example of a photograph I took three weeks ago in a local Mexican restaurant.

Can someone please tell me how a restaurant meets health and hygiene standards by requesting patrons throw used toilet paper into open slop buckets instead of the toilet?  Maybe there is something I do not understand.

(As Sue, my newly potty-trained 3-year-old noted, it “smelled” in there and she could not use that “yucky potty.”)

2. Illness Photography: I feel it is only responsible to chronicle my children’s illnesses or injuries through photography, which I can then share with my over-worked, but extremely patient, pediatrician.

“Well, it may not look like much now, but THIS is what the rash looked like three hours ago when I could not get an appointment with your fair office!”

(Turns out, it was not Measles, as I feared, but that Fifth Disease contagion that always looks like something quite serious but only matters if you are pregnant.)

Still, it looks menacing!  (Wouldn’t you have called?)

3. “Sleepy M:” I can only sleep with this grand product, the Sleep Mate by Marpac. Yes, Marpac. (I have nicknamed it “Sleepy M.”)  I purchased it from the JC Penney catalog for $50.00 in 1990.  It is dependable, reliable and only occasionally releases black, fuzzy debris from its side vent holes.  Yet that is unimportant.  What counts is the numbing tone it produces which is the BEST WHITE NOISE on the market.  If it dies, I am toast.

4. White Board Technology Explanation: I’m obsessed with using the “Green Board” to explain complicated computer and video-game related intricacies to my children.  Here I am explaining the many layers between them and the insidious Pirates of the Caribbean Video game which they downloaded and has rendered their PC unusable ever since.

5. Food Peculiarities:  When I make Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, I throw out half the noodles, double the water and add all the cheese powder so it will be a cheesy noodle soup.  No one else likes it this way, which is good for me!

6. Children Can’t Have Too Many Costumes:  I can’t turn down the purchase of a reasonably-priced costume.  No, seriously. Many of my friends don’t bother to buy Halloween costumes for their children.  “Why bother?–We’ll just go get one of Elizabeth’s.”

Look at these and see if you don’t agree:

And now for the drumroll…………

1.  Outnumbered Two To One

2.  The Bon Bon Gazette

3.  Mom’s Ministry & More

4.  Another Piece of the Puzzle

5.  Pancakes Gone Awry

6.  Good Enough Mama

You’re it!  Savor the fun!

Posted on 11 August '08 by , under Humor/Disconnected Miscellany. 7 Comments.

Damned with Faint Praise

While hospitality is not particularly high on my list of spiritual gifts, and my friends are secretly thankful due to my woeful lack of kitchen creativity, I am a member of a little “suppah club,” as we call it down here, and this Friday night is my night.

(I was actually supposed to host this event at my home four months ago, but that was in the middle of removing/saving Edward from the computer magnet academy Kindergarten class, and I was far too stressed to prepare food for my own family, much less this supper club set.  Instead, I offered to bring several bottles of red wine to the only brown bag restaurant in this chain-restaurant obsessed town and everyone agreed unanimously that this was much safer and pleasant for all involved.)

I dodged that bullet only to come back on the rotation for July.  So H, being the kind, generous, supportive husband that he is, offered to go to Sam’s with Edward to procure the items I needed for this most basic sort of menu: Pork Tenderloin, Baked Potatoes, Garlic Green Beans and Banana Pudding.

This is sort of a pinnacle menu for me, and H has offered to grill the tenderloin and prepare the green beans, therefore leaving me unfettered to focus on the pudding and starch because, as he encourages, “You are so good with the baked potato.”

And if that’s not damning with faint praise, I don’t know what is.

(If all else fails, I do have a giant Cheez Whiz Spaghetti casserole sitting in my freezer. It’s been waiting in the wings for the next shut-in, and I relish the security of this preparedness like Pa would a smokehouse full of venison.  Note the Kinnickkinnick gf/cf bread in the upper left-hand corner–Edward’s favorite!)

Edward watches H carefully select the super packs of pork tenderloin.  He screws his face into his signature snarlish growl.  “Not PORK!  Have you forgotten about trichinosis?  How long are you going to cook it?  No one should eat this!”

Of course, he blathers on and on about foodborne illness and trichinella worms until H bribes him with Brewsters.  He quiets down with the promise of his favorite casein/color/artificial flavor-free lemon sorbet.

Fast forward to the Brewsters.  H and Edward are waiting in line.  A young man approaches the window carrying a largish zebra-striped purse that he is apparently planning to give to his girlfriend who works at the Brewsters.  Edward immediately bellows:

“Look at that hip hop man carrying that purse.  Now that is just wrong!”

Another father leans over to H, amused concern in his eyes, and kind of whispers: “Did he say ‘hip hop man’?”

“Yep…’fraid so.”

Posted on 24 July '08 by , under "Did He Just Say ?", GF/CF Diet/Food Reviews, Huswifery. 3 Comments.