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The Van Ate My Fat Pants

It’s quite true.

My husband has a web site devoted to jeering at the filth with which my children and I pepper my van.

A few friends have notice and embraced the madness, hereafter being lauded as Van Pan Fans.  (It’s a sure-fire method of blogging success, mind you.)

Yet many have not embraced the madness.

This is your turn.

See how the van mutilated my pants?

The van sliding side door teethed down on my fat black pants and chomped mercilessly.  Sue hit the button, and I know she didn’t mean to, but really…it was major.  I mean it’s a huge chunk and there is no way to mend them.

I’m down to these and two other unscathed fat black drawstring numbers, and one pair of Banana Republic jeans with a hole in the knee.  That’s not much to work with my friends, is it?

That’s it!  I’ve got to lose 10 pounds asap or languish in the drawstring-pant.

Sounds like something you’d all want to follow, right?

Posted on 29 November '08 by , under Humor/Disconnected Miscellany.

22 Comments to “The Van Ate My Fat Pants”

#1 Posted by ashley (29.11.08 at 09:41 )

How about I join you? Did you ever find my lipstick in The Van? Perhaps that was the appetizer.

#2 Posted by Steph at the Red Clay Diaries (29.11.08 at 10:48 )

I’m scared to ask this, but WERE YOU WEARING THE PANTS WHEN THE VAN ATTACKED???!!!!

If so, does this mean that the van shares your husband’s opinion of your cleaning and is trying to pay you back?

“Hey Lady! Clean the cherry “raisins” out of my ashtray or next time I won’t stop with the pants!!”

I spent some time on the hubby’s Van Pan site. His commentary is hilarious. 🙂

I think I need to get out and decrapify the SUV again… Maybe I should take pics so I can be a Van Pan Fan.

Steph at the Red Clay Diariess last blog post..Great food and chaos for one and all

#3 Posted by Elizabeth (29.11.08 at 12:25 )

Yes! I was wearing the pants! They got caught in the automatic side door; the van twisted and chewed and was so voracious that it actually bruised my leg a bit. Vicious!

#4 Posted by hellokittiemama/MT (29.11.08 at 12:37 )

Hm… I think maybe this is saying something. The van prefers to eat cotton fibers instead of banana peels and bun-pucks.

Luckily you weren’t hurt and ending up in the ER. I’m a bit afraid of my automatic doors on the van, now I’ll surely have nightmares LOL.


hellokittiemama/MTs last blog post..GFCF & Gluten Free Thanksgiving Tips, Menus, and Recipes

#5 Posted by Stimey (29.11.08 at 12:56 )

Yikes! My van, while it hasn’t yet injured anyone (knock on wood), is terribly filthy.

Stimeys last blog post..The Saddest Day of the Year…For the Dog

#6 Posted by Katherine (29.11.08 at 13:32 )

Yikes, I have a pair of pants like that – my feel good, worn thin, stretchy black yoga style pants. They are slowly dying, and I am nursing them the whole way down. Man, I love em.

My parents had a mini van growing up. Dad wasn’t so good humored, though, about it – my sister and I slammed one of those swimming float noodles in the door and it never worked again. For the next several YEARS we had to all file through the front door. That’s kind of WHY you have the van.

#7 Posted by Mrsbear (29.11.08 at 17:10 )

That really is tragic. I struggle with a limited supply of comfortable pants as well and a couple of those are strictly sleep clothes. Sounds like a harrowing experience. I guess it was better you than one of the kids, if anyone had to get shred by a rabid minivan, I’m glad it was the pants. 😉

Mrsbears last blog post..Bah Humbug

#8 Posted by Christine (29.11.08 at 21:56 )

On the plus side….you now have a great pair of shorts, lol. My van is completely atrocious too, but mainly cuz my ten year old treats it like a closet. She has at least three pairs of shoes, gym clothes, and school clothes at all times in there. I often have to check the van on laundry day too.

Christines last blog post..Book Review:Queen of the Road and Giveaway

#9 Posted by FringeGirl (29.11.08 at 23:27 )

I’m feeling your pain. My pants don’t fit and all I need to loose is 10 pounds. It’s so easy going on and so hard coming off. I’m gonna check out this van site…sounds hysterical.

#10 Posted by Helene (30.11.08 at 00:27 )

My pants haven’t been ripped to shreds yet but my hip was bruised horribly when one of my kids pressed the automatic door shut button and it didn’t stop even with me standing in the way! I thought those sliding van doors were supposed to be kidproof??

My inside of my mini-van is disgusting…so disgusting in fact that I recently had a friend in my mini-van who took one look at the floor and said, “please tell me those are smashed raisins on the floor and not something else?” and the sad thing is I had to really look close to see if they were actually raisins….so gross.

#11 Posted by Annette Piper (30.11.08 at 01:50 )

Ouch! I feel your pain about the lack of suitable trousers too – I only have three pair too – one pair of decent jeans, one pair of jeans that are ONLY for housewear and one other – dressy pants- that currently fit to an acceptable level.

The other day I gave up and wore a skirt instead (and I’ve only got two of those that fit too!!).

Hmmm. Got to lose a few pounds *sigh*

#12 Posted by Stonefox (30.11.08 at 19:43 )

Please tell me you were at home when this happened, not at some important appointment! And drawstring? Yikes, I have some of those myself, the post-pregnancy ones that STILL fit.

Stonefoxs last blog post..Twitter Bug

#13 Posted by Kia (GoodEnoughMama) (30.11.08 at 21:31 )

Dood, if you only have 10 lbs to lose, I’m afraid I can’t be your friend any more. It’s over. We’re through.

Kia (GoodEnoughMama)s last blog post..Rocking the Normal

#14 Posted by Elizabeth (30.11.08 at 23:27 )

10 lbs I wish! That’s to fit in the fat pants, Kia!

#15 Posted by Elizabeth (30.11.08 at 23:37 )

10 lbs I wish! That’s to fit in the fat pants, Kia! And no, Stone Fox, I had just pulled in my garage. Usually I do have so many, many important appointments as you well know. And when I have these important events, I like to wear the drawstring pants. Classy!

#16 Posted by Mom on the Run (01.12.08 at 14:38 )

I wish I had a dollar for everytime I have lectured the children on keeping the van clean. All I want is to have them pick up their trash once in a while.

I like your posts. Come on over and check on mine.

Mom on the Runs last blog post..Feeding Frenzy Needs to End

#17 Posted by lindylou (01.12.08 at 15:58 )

Elizabeth, I know this post is suppose to be funny, but I ache for you. DH would be better off chunking the van stuff than picturing it. I love the website idea though… every family (well most) could enter a webcam of their unhealthy van. I have friends that have perfect cars…. but I am just not that perfect.

I wish I could get you some more pants. I know you think I am kiddin but I am not. 10 lbs or not… every women needs clothes to feel nice in that fits! It can get depressing to have just drawstring pants…and 2…. I would be sitting in my closet crying….unless I was pregnant.

And then I might be crying about why God allow that blessing to enter my life….so that is why I bought new clothes when I started to gain wt…. I just couldn’t torture myself.

#18 Posted by Janine (01.12.08 at 15:59 )

That VanPan thing is hilarious. And I could SO add to it.

Janines last blog post..Tag, I’m it.

#19 Posted by Patty O. (01.12.08 at 16:22 )

I have been meaning to get the camera out and take some pictures of my van to submit to your husband’s site, which by the way, is sooo funny. Sadly, I am actually embarrassed to submit the pictures because at this point my van is actually clean. Well, relatively speaking, that is. It’s clean compared to normal…..

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your pants. I can so totally relate!!! And I will definitely be back in that situation once I have this baby and am still in maternity clothes. I might have one pair of elastic waist jeans that will fit me. I hope.

Patty O.s last blog post..musical nightmares?

#20 Posted by Three Channels » Living Up to the Purse (06.01.09 at 23:09 )

[…] I quit reading, I quit putting on makeup.  I wore the same sloggy black, van-ravaged, bleach-stained pants for days in a row.  A baseball cap became my grandest accessory.  I began […]

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